How Far is Too Far? The Importance of Boundaries in Relationships
March 20, 2024 | LiveFree Team
March is here and that means the annual college basketball tournament is about to begin. There will doubtless be many hours spent in front of a TV screen watching as highly skilled players battle on the basketball court for glory during March Madness. But what would happen if the court did not have any lines? Would the players be able to play the game if they did not know where the baseline or free throw or three point line were? How many moments of sporting glory would be missed if there were just a few less boundaries? Those basketball court lines give the players essential boundaries so that they can play the game the right way. This principle can also be applied to relationships.
Many students will ask us “How far is too far?” when discussing teen relationships and sex. It is a common question and deserves a thoughtful response. Just as the boundaries on a basketball court help the players play basketball, boundaries in a relationship help the couple develop a healthy and beneficial relationship. Parents, too, may be asked similar questions and many times we might not have specific boundary lines to point out. So here are some boundary ideas that will help when thinking about a teen relationship.
Do not date at an early age - If dating is not an option for a teen, much of the pressure, drama, and distraction that comes with dating is simply avoided.
Have a consistent curfew - If teens are on a consistent schedule and know and are held to a curfew, they are less likely to engage in at-risk behavior.
Avoid drugs and alcohol - Teen drug/alcohol use has been linked to developmental issues, low school performance, and an increase to participate in other at-risk behaviors.
Do not be at home alone - If a young couple commits to not being alone when nobody else is around they are less likely to engage in more physical or sexual behavior.
Monitor media intake - Parents and their children should have regular and open conversations about the music, movies, TV shows, and even video games and social media that a student is consuming. Much of the content on these platforms is sexual or sensual and encourages young people to engage in sexual behavior.
If your child is dating, discuss physical boundaries - There is a natural sexual progression that begins with holding hands/hugging and leads to sexual intercourse. Have intentional conversations with your student about how this progression works and set a boundary in this progression that will help them develop a healthy relationship and avoid engaging in at-risk behavior.
These simple boundaries can keep your child safe and promote healthy relationships. When setting and sticking to boundaries, you should remember that the rules and the relationship are both important. Rules without relationship can lead to rebellion, relationship without rules can lead to promiscuity, but rules with relationship can lead to effective parenting and positive outcomes for your child. Boundaries are not present to limit fun or to take something away. Rather, they serve to provide a way to have relationships in a truly healthy way - they help us “play the game” the right way.
These rules have been adapted from The Big Talk Book for Parents by Bruce Cook, pg. 115-119.